i feel as if i have nothing. yet, some how i know i have everything. i’ve lost all will to try. i hate myself for it, and i know i need to fight.. but iam so weak. i need some confidence. i need someone positive to give me the motivation i need. and benjiman does that enough. i just don’t let myself enjoy it. i feel like i can’t move from where iam. i keep looking for jobs and i can’t find any. i don’t have money to go to school. and the only car i have is my boyfriends. i feel like such a fucking loser. and on top of it. my sons father is trying to take him away from me. someone who i wish will never be in his life. he is not a good person. he is not the person i want around my baby, he’s the type of person i wish benji never had to encounter. it hurts me so much. it’s dragging me down the most that i have no control over that. i really should have left him from the start. i should have never tried. i feel as if iam getting my life taken away from me now. i can’t even let myself enjoy my beautiful baby, because all i want to do is cry every time i see him. all i see is him in someone else’s arms… i hate it. i hate that i feel like he is in harm. and on top of everything. the one person i need for support… well he’s not there. he’s not connected to me emotionally, so i’ve shut myself down. i need him to push me, give me the confidence i need. i need him to tell me how wonderful iam. all i hear is negative from him. i can’t handle it. he has nothing positive to say. he doesn’t even write about me. he was obsessed with sara… he wrote so many things about her. how beautiful and perfect she was. victoria too…. and not to mention kyla… i have never seen so much love put towards one person… well i have once… but i have never once seen dedication like this before. he was so in love. so committed. i feel as if he doesn’t want to be with me. and i sound like a broken record all the time. iam growing to hate him and what he is. i just get so mad. i get so annoyed because iam always praising him. iam always speaking so highly of him and tell him how much i love him… i try to show him everything… and i get nothing in return… so iam starting to not be able to handle it. it’s making me want to disappear… i feel like iam letting go of everything, because i’ve lost myself. and i feel like i need someone to blame… because… well… i can’t save myself this time, and no one cares, no one notices, no one is willing.